And so, 3 months later, the results came. I am not saying i expected it nor i am going to say it comes as a shock. In fact, it was disappointing. The results was not well, at all. I would even have some problems getting into a local university. After the results landed on my hands, my heart literally sank to the bottom of thr stomach. My immediate feeling, what the hell did i do wrong? For the past few months, this is the moment i dread.
Of course, subsequently, i began to think what went wrong. And, i never got an answer. I could blame it on band, or i could blame it on the teachers, even the school. But deep down somewhere, i knew that th problem must have came from me. I am the one that took the exam, not my cca, and neither the school nor the teachers. The problem lies where in me, i guess that would be the million dollar question that i would be asking. Too little time spent on revision? Unable to cope? Unwilling to try again after failures? I seriously could not find an answer.
And then came today when i started going online. People are cracking their brains to find which courses suit them. For me, i find those courses that i can study. Sure, i find myself pathetic to resort to such situations. Bit what else can i do with such results? For one, money is an issue. If not, i would have considered overseas inoversities. My Dad was supportive in saying that he is willing to send me overseas. But i know, it will be tough on him. I dont want that. I want somewhere affordable. I dont want to be looked down upon.
So back to the million dollar qn. What exactly triggered this
Surely, it doesnt happen overnight. So what exactly. If i am unable to find an answer, why would an university give me a chance at all. I dont know myself, how are they going to believe me. Honestly speaking, it is because that i wasnt resilliant enough. Giving up at the sight of failures
Becase throughout the 2 years, failures kept coming my way. So where do i belong, i should belong somewhere right?If not, i dont think i can believe anymore.

I admit i was rather pissed off. One, there was not much updates. Two, the plan changed and i didnt know. Yeah, i do not like such last minute news. Maybe it would be nice, if i knew one week ago. Suddenly, i went from many things to do to nothing to do.

I dont know if it is my problem, but once there is a plan, i would prefer to stick to it. If there is a change, maybe at least have an update? Maybe it is just too much to ask for.

The usual, nothing interesting. Had my 2nd blood donation today, which is okay i guess.
2 days off and then working 4 days continuously for 4 days. I will be able to take it i hope. I must be able to take it anyway.

I know i lagged for a week, but yes, its over. The immediate feeling, nothing. Even if it is over, only one part of my life is over and another one will begin. To me, i guess there is no difference.

Played alot these few days. Finally going to start earning money and support myself. Honestly, working is indeed harder than studying, no doubt about it. Because when you study, you can choose when you want to rest and when you want to play. This is not the case of work. From now on, studying in a school as a class is almost impossible. I am starting to miss where i were half a year ago.

It has been a long time since i relaxed myself! Today was supposed to be a study day, but it ended by being a de-stressing session. Honestly, i dont mind. It prepares me for the next week cause i really need to do well. In any case, today felt like what i am half a year ago. I have never felt so relaxed and motivated for the next week. Yes, i am going to work for it, and hopefully be able to do well for it.

Another thing that is on my mind, and it has been really distracting. The question is, should I, or I should not. In any case, it had been 2 days...

I just moved the old blog somewhere and locked them up. When i was reading through them, i realised one thing. In the past, i could feel that i was happy. But, it could be that i did not realised many things when i was younger. Even the more recent posts felt weird. For this, i just need a place to type what i could not express.


I do not know what has changed me but one thing is for sure, i am not that person i feel i was before. But a part of me want to return to the past. I do not know for myself why is that, but it is just a conflicting feeling of mine. For one, i do not have the drive i do from the past. Maybe, i realised that there is many things out there that seemed more valuable than study. But obviously, it is not the case. Reality tells me that study is indeed important and it will affect the rest of my life. I had this conversation with a friend about this, though we might have the same view that all this is somewhat useless, we both still agreed that studying hard in today's world is important. Of course, there are exceptions. But, what are the chances. Studying, increases your chance of being successful but does not guarantee success. Is that why, i lost so much interest? Do i merely just aim for the exception. Or that, i was too obsessed with exceptions. I never wanted to go with what the society think, but am i just too stubborn?
Time will tell i guess..